Trophies of His Grace

I stand now, astonished, amazed. When I thought I was drowning, He was cleansing. I was so underserving, but God was so relentless. In the darkest year of my life, He had a valuable lesson He wanted to teach me. He broke me to be rebuilt by Him.

No one can prepare you for your first heartbreak. It shakes the temporal nature of this world, it accentuates the dust, the reality of death, the reality of the idea of "loosing."

I'm about to get really real and raw right now. I was really hurt last summer. And I swore I would leave this heartbreak in the past, and never talk about it, but truth is reader, there's beauty, much beauty in it. Because with God, there is this thing called redemption.

"Heartache" is no exaggerated term. My heart ached. It is a vacant empty feeling, like a hole in your chest. People told me that heartbreak was more than a mental thing; it takes a toll on your emotions in a way that I didn’t know was possible. And reader, some days it was so easy for me to give up, asking, "God why me?" But then again I remembered who I was asking. So I was "not to become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, I would reap the harvest if I didn't give up." (Galatians 6:9) But the harvest was more beautiful than I expected. In fact, God showed me a garden of promises. Never ending love. The weeds of brokenness and darkness were being reaped into life.

Corrie Ten Boom, a true woman of the faith, wrote in her book, The Hiding Place, a quote that has changed my whole perspective on love. She writes:

“Do you know what hurts so very much? It’s love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it’s blocked it means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course, part of us dies, too. Or we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel.”

This was no easy task. I would not just ignore this “blocked love.” I realized, like Corrie Ten Boom, that this was in fact a perfect route for perfect and holy love to travel. I dug my heals in the word, prayed, and cried. This was my battleground. This was God saying, "Hannah, I wasn't at the center of your life. And that needs to change." He was slowly and painfully piecing me back together.

My constant prayer mimicked the hymn "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus." I asked, I pleaded for my unsteady, unstable gaze to be fixed upon Him.

Such sweet simple words:

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face. And all the things on earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."

I sang it again and again in my head.

Before all of this, my best friend Amy texted me one morning," If you are not completely focused on God, completely sold out on Him, then He will take away whatever it is that is distracting you." That day, the morning of the text, my relationship with this guy was over. Looking back, I get literal chills. Because God did just that. He took away what took me away from him.

It's been a year, a year and three months. And now I know exactly why God let me experience such a cruel heartbreak. I extend my hands and my heart, and I allow God's grace to sink into my very bones. I want to cry out in joy and thankfulness. And even on days when I struggle, I still thank Him. Life is this crazy adventure, and there is beauty, heartbreak, both depths and heights, and God is in it all. I see him so clearly in everything. In the golden sunrises, in people, in the stars, and even in the mornings when my body won't get out of bed. I see Him in the way the moon lights up the mountains, in the way the waves crash upon the shore. I see him in everything. He has made beauty from ashes. He has turned my mourning into a song. (Psalm 30:11)

Time and tenderness have torn down and rebuilt my walls. Love and forgiveness have reshaped my heart and mind. Jesus has restored me. I experienced an earthly heartbreak, but experienced true love firsthand. He broke me to be rebuilt by Him. And His love is far greater than anything I've felt or experienced. And no, His is not the tender kiss or the grasp of a hand. But by one torn and afflicted, put on a wooden cross. The kind that shouts above my wrongdoings, and triumphs over my broken heart.

All along, even when I felt empty, He was filling me up. HE was preparing me to surrender to an even greater love. Love itself. The God of the universe was telling me that I was looking in all the wrong places. CALL to me, He said, and I will answer.  (Jeremiah 33:3) In every dark corner, in every valley, He promised to be there. And He was. Pursuing an earthly love showed me that earthly love is never, never the end goal. Happiness, true happiness is encompassed in an eternal mindset, the glance towards heaven. A heart residing in the everlasting lover, who's love is unconditional, unfathomable, and forever.

Here are some of the most beautiful words ever written:  "We must accept the idea that heartbreaks and hurdles are trophies of His Grace rather than secrets to be buried." This. This is the true calling of the heartbroken. To accept. To shout, to claim God's love over their own brokenness, a love that is lasting and permanent.

What now? To all the girls like me, who have been heartbroken, you have had an opportunity. No it is not a mistake. God can use you. You are more aware, you are more cautious. You know what it is like to be hurt, but now you know what it's like to be known and sought after by God. And choosing that great, great love of your father over your brokenness has become a beautiful channel to let His mercies flow. Heartbreak is a canvas. It is a way for hope and redemption to be shown. It is the breaking down of the self. The realization of the dependence on Christ, the need for His strength. It is the molding and shaping of a heart directed towards Him.

So it is possible to love someone again?

Yes, yes, and yes!!  It would be ridiculous to assume that your mistakes make you "damaged goods" or no longer worthy of a man's love. Christ looks at you, the sinner that you are, but takes you. Completely. All of you, as you are. If someone isn't willing to look past your mistakes, ask yourself if they really know who Christ is.

You are a treasure. You were died for, and that will never change. One day, when you look someone in the eyes and say, “I do,” it will not be because you have had a perfect and pure past. No, not because you are blemish free, and no not because you are completely and wholly loving all the time. It is because you are worthy. Though stained, you were washed. Though broken, you were healed. It is because you have been bought with a price. And that perfect picture of love displayed by Christ will one day be reflected by a man standing in front of you.  He will not be able to love you perfectly, but he will mirror Christ's love for you as best as he can. And granted there will be dark and hard days ahead, but the two of you share a universal need for a greater love in your life. It will point, shape and direct you both. It will grow you, humble you, and show you to lean on Him alone. And that? That is a true love worth finding.

But until then, your calling is to keep chasing Christ. Fully, wholly. This beautiful world, this beautiful life—is His gift to you and me. And I am firm believer, that everything happens for a reason. I leave you with this: “To think you can be loved by God without being changed by Him, is to think you can jump into the oceans and not get wet. To really love Him, you must understand that your life is going to be wrecked by Him, and built again into something beautiful, something lasting.”

To be wrecked by God, is one of the most beautiful things my soul has encountered. I’ve learned to really love, and that love has showed me that there are second chances, and new tomorrows. He has changed me, and showed me what I want from life now. Because of this wreckage, I know what it is like to turn around and make messy beautiful.

Heartbreak is surrender, not defeat. It is saying, "Yes Lord. Take these empty hands and use them for you." And you will see, that even in the lowest of lowest,

He will be exalted.